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Punk Saved Us from Sappy California Singer-Songwriters

December 15, 2001 by A.S. Van Dorston

In case anyone was wondering. James Taylor, Jackson Browne and Gordon Lightfoot are Satan’s little helpers, and yes, punk did save us from them.

Yes Brothers and Sisters, you DO need to be saved. You may not believe me now, but you’ll thank me later when I tell you that James Taylor is merely another face of Beezelbub. That’s right, Sweet Baby James is none other than one of the devil’s henchmen, come to lure you with those sweet, sappy songs into eternal damnation and hellfire. Now what I want you to do Brothers and Sisters, is for you to lay yo’ hands on a stack o’ punk rock CDs and HEAL! Pray to The Buzzcocks! Pray to Gang Of Four! Pray to The Raincoats so that they may forgive you! Ask P.i.L. for their forgiveness! Pray to Wire and tell them you did not mean to stray from the righteous path of punk! Pray brotha Austin, pray for forgiveness! Pray so that The Clash, The Slits, Stiff Little Fingers, The Pop Group, The Ruts, Young Marble Giants and The Specials might forgive you so that you may heal! Pray so that you may heal and testify to the healing powers of pre-punk, punk, post-punk and new wave, vested by the powers of none other than baby Jesus. Brothers and Sisters, do you testify to Joy Division? Do you testify to The Contortions? Do you testify to Chrome, Talking Heads, Magazine, Essential Logic, The Jam, The Soft Boys, The Undertones, Pere Ubu, Elvis Costello, XTC, Tubeway Army, Elvis Costello, Nick Lowe, Iggy Pop and Devo? Kneel! Kneel Brothers and Sisters, kneel before Devo and testify! Testify to Devo and say YAYUS! YAYUS I’ve been SAVED! Yes Brothers and Sisters, Devo has saved you from the burning hellfire that awaits those fooled by the alluring soft rock mask of James Taylor! Now go.

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